– Rememberance, Hillsong Worship
I could barely get the words out as tears fell down my face. I had felt the same emotions as I kissed my son and daughter good night on the eve of my son’s 6th birthday party. As I kissed their forehead and prayed over them I could hear myself in the distance. “I don’t want to be part of a family, I just want to be successful and help others.” That phrase lived on my lips. As a teenager all I wanted was to be safe, although it was at the price of loneliness it was worth the cost. I hear her in my mind often, mainly in times of failing at this thing called motherhood. Not reminding myself of what I wanted, but in awe of what God has blessed me with. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I think that in the moments of me failing at this motherhood gig I secretly think maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom maybe I am who I was. “Oh to think where I would be, if not for you” I mumble as another tear falls. God knew how much I truly wanted to be a mom. He knew it before I knew and worked on my behalf long before I knew Him. My son is the reason I came to Christ. It was the amount of love I had for him that scared me enough to listen to God calling me home. It scared me to trust again, it scared me to love again, it scared me to mess him up just like I was. I saw his beautiful little toes and fingers, his caring grey eyes. This 6 pound 12 ounce baby was the most beautiful terrifying person that I’d ever met and now I was his mom.
I sit here at my laptop wondering why these words are coming out of my mouth. The truth is that not 24 hours ago I screamed so hard it hurt my throat. I was so angry at my kids for tearing up one of my plants. I can’t remember why I was so upset. Maybe because it was the end of a really busy day, maybe because I’d just cleaned the house 5 minutes before that and now everything was out of place, maybe because this wasn’t how the day was supposed to go. Maybe because deep down in side I can’t imagine why anyone would trust, let alone give me two kids. Yet here I am, a mom of 2 kids under 6 struggling to get through the day. I’m writing this because maybe I’m not the only one who needs to hear this.
As the worship song began I felt God’s spirit hold me in a tender hug. “Just listen,” he said as the familiar tune began. Silence can be worship. I’m sure somewhere on this internet world a pastor is shaking his head in disagreement. Please do not misread this God is due our worship in all we do, especially worshiping him in unity with his kids. I love to worship and sing, I love to raise my head and sway wrapped up in the spirit of God. I have dry seasons of course, where habit takes over and I forget my first love, but then God draws me back in as he so faithfully does. He knew that in that moment I needed a Father to hug me and tell me that he understood where I was in this motherhood thing. I stood there and let him embrace me and kiss my forehead, this weary and overworked momma needed to be held and He knew that and took the time in His worship to press in. He is that God. He is so worthy of all honor and praise yet he sits with the broken. He trades in what he is worthy of for his kids. The cross is who he is.
I take the bread of life
Broken for all my sin
Your body crucified
To make me whole again
I will recall the cup
Poured out in sacrifice
To trade this sinner’s end
For Your new covenant
Can you even wrap your head around that depth of humility? That he cares so much for you, weary momma, that he trades in worship that He is merited to sit with you and hug you when your weary body can no longer carry you. Breathe him in right now, he’s there right now, waiting, longing to hear you out, to hold your weary and burnt out heart. Close your eyes and feel him refresh your soul. He knows how inadequate you feel. He knows how much you wish you could be better for your family. He knows that if you had one more burst of energy you would give it over to your family in a heartbeat. He knows how hard you try. He whispers, “come to me, you who are heavy burdened and I will give you rest for your soul.” Tell him how tired you are, tell him how much you question your role, tell him how you don’t understand how he thought giving you these kids was something you would be capable of. Give him all of your burdens and then remember.
The truth for my life is that God took a broken little girl who knew abuse as intimately as any family member and brought her out and made her a mom. He surrounded her with people he would draw to himself and just as she reached the end of her capacity as a mom, one week after having her baby, He began to call to her. He saved her boss from 40 years of addiction to alcohol and radically saved him and had him apologize to her. He didn’t know that this was the first time any man had sincerely cared about her enough to apologize for what he’d done. He offered to give her a day off so that she could go to this church and there she met Jesus for the very fist time. God began to show her who he knew she was from the beginning, a wonderful, godly momma who will do anything her family needs and those thoughts scared her but she trusted that he would show her the way.
I need to remember her. That scared overwhelmed girl who became a mom that trusted for the very first time. Because it’s that same woman who’s words you are reading. Five years into this “godly mom” thing and God has not let me down,
I’ve reached the end of my capacity again, and my weary heart is longing for the rest that comes in the arms of God. I need to remember that is mom calling isn’t meant to be carried alone. I need to remember that God wants to be with me in everything I do, not to be an overbearing parent, but to carry the load for me. I need to remember everything he has done for this relationship with me. I need to remember that you can’t do this “godly mom” thing without God. I need to remember.
As far as heights reach from the depths
As far as east is from the west
So far Your grace has carried me
Until I see You face to face
Until at last I’ve won my race
Remind me You’re not finished yet
His grace has carried us this far. The truth is that every part of my “good mom”ness came from God. Every good parenting technique came from him. He is the one that catches me before my impatience says something I don’t mean. He is the one who whispers to me “hold him near” when all I want to do is spank my son. He is the one who says, “send him to his room this time with no toys” when my heart wants to be my sons friend. The truth is that when we listen to God and partner with him when we parent the result is where he intends our kids to be. How can we fear a future that is as real as the one who holds us when we break down? That same God that sustains me when my body is at the brink of exhaustion only to call to me and draw me near to refresh me is the same God who cares for my kids. It is the same God who stops in the moments dedicated to his worship to sit with me. It is the same God who lived a perfect and righteous life only to die a sinner’s death. Your death, my death, my kids death. Remember that it was his grace that brought about your salvation, and it is the same grace that will sustain you in this part of your race. Motherhood was God’s idea. He longs to be in every part of it, yes even the end of your capability and willingness to keep going.
Weary momma,
I know who you are, the one with tears in her eyes and an ache in her heart that loudly shouts “not enough”. I know that you feel as though this whole family thing is so out of control you’ve for sure blown it this time. Tomorrow seems so so far away. I am you. Motherhood requires more than you. It requires our ability to embrace our weakness. Don’t expect to be the mom God created you to be alone. Press into the one who called you from the beginning. Our Lord waits expectantly and longs to be gracious to you. He waits on high to have compassion to you. (Isaiah 30:18) God understands that you are human and that you are going to have days where you don’t want to give anymore. I’m learning that I can still be thankful for my family and be weary and fed up with them. I know now that God understands that I cannot be as giving as he is all the time, though I work towards it. He understands and is gracious and willing to help us. In our weakness he is made strong. Remember who it is your soul is crying out to. Remember that you cannot reach the end of his love for you. Remember that you are not finished yet. That your calling is still as real as ever and that God will be there to show you just what to do, to renew your strength, and to give you the will to do it. Don’t pretend to be who you need to be, remember who it is that called you and will carry you. Let him love on you, then get back up, not relying on what you can do, but on what God is doing in you. Remember he has done everything it takes. You were created to be a good godly mom. Remember who ordained it so.
All Consuming Love 